Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
