That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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