Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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