i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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