He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
