So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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