It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
