Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
