Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
