I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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