I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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