SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I think I am morally bankrupt
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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