That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
