yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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