everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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