:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
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