i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
she smelled like a LAN party
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
