I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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