We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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