just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
She just used a chaser for red wine.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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