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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
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