Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
His nipple licking is glorious
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