I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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