Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
