I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
