I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
