This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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