She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
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