i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
