I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
