WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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