Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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