im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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