Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
