I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
