I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
soo... how was my night?
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
