Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
