Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Did I show you my penis last night?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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