she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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