he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
