Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
