It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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