So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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