Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
