so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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