so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
