I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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