Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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