Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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