positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
