grandma shit on top of the toilet
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
