Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Randomize
