I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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