i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
