Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
