I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize