I'm really into asian looking animals
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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