Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
