matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I think I am morally bankrupt
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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